


Just Give Me a Reason

by kangelique



Series: The Captain Swan Playlist [5]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Brief mentions of Snow and David, Domestic Moments, Emma is very vulnerable, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hugging, Killian is supportive as always, Kissing, Let's just say its a bunch of deleted scenes from season 7, Light Angst, Married Life, Mentions of Sex, No Villains, Pregnancy complications, Second Chances, Storybrooke at peace, fears, hand holding, lots of affection, season 7, tender moments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-15 13:04:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19296322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kangelique/pseuds/kangelique
Summary: Now that Storybrooke has finally settled into some sort of peace, Emma tells Killian that she wants to start a family. Or add to their family. But turns out that is easier said than done when she is met with disappointments and Killian is not being entirely honest either, and he just wishes she would give him a reason as to her growing distance.(Sorry, made it sound worse than it is, lol. But there is happy times around)





	Just Give Me a Reason

**Author's Note:**

> Song: Just Give Me a Reason  
> By:Pink

**Just Give Me a Reason:**

 

The lovely morning light shone through the window, warming up her face where she lay with her eyes still closed. Snuggling his face further into her golden tresses, Killian inhaled deeply. His nose welcomed the scent of her vanilla shampoo, and as he dragged the tip of his nose slowly down the side of her neck, the corners of his mouth ticked up immediately when his nostrils were infiltrated with the smell of  _sex_ that still lingered heavily on her body.

 

"That tickles," Emma mumbled and he could  _hear_ the smile in her voice. He hummed in agreement and nodded distractedly, images of the previous night -her soft hands coming up to slide her slender fingers up his chest hair, the moan she emitted right by his ear when he took her left breast in his mouth and sucked hard on the nipple, the trail of hot and wet open-mouthed kisses he created when he pulled apart her thighs, the frustated tug on the back of his head when he didn't get inside her fast enough-playing behind his eyelids. "I know what you're thinking, and I'm still sore," she half said into the pillow, words slightly muffled.

 

"But sated?"

 

"Mm, yeah," she confirmed and sighed softly when he brought his lips down to her bare shoulder and placed a gentle kiss there, almost a brush really -quite the opposite from the way he'd pounded her into the mattress again and again into the late hours of the night, their leather jackets a heap on the floor of their living room, their grey and black boots abandoned somewhere halfway up the stairs in her hurry to pull him up to the bedroom by tugging insistently on his belt until she finally shrieked in surprise when he swept her up in his arms and carried her up bridal style. "How long have you been awake?"

 

"An hour or so, if my rectangular device's calculations are anything to be trusted."

 

"Don't say it," Emma warned.

 

"Good morning, love," he announced rather cheerfully, a cheesy grin on his face that Emma missed when she immediately groaned and stubbornly clenched her eyes shut. There was a blur of yellow and tangled up curls that obscured her face from his amused gaze when she turned to burrow against him, breasts pressing into his chest.

 

"No, shut up, it's still too early," Emma grumbled, the words said against his skin and  _bloody minx._ Her knowing smirk when she pulled away to look up a him revealing the fact that she just  _knew_ what ripples of desire her mouth caused to go through his body, his length visibly going hard underneath the navy sheets almost instantly and she laughed. 

 

"Careful there, Swan," Killian said playfully, and his wandering hand slipped down to find her hip, squeezing it tightly and meaningfully just to revel in her quiet gasp.

 

"Or what?"

 

"Or..." He rolled them over, legs twisting up together even further and taking the sheets up with him when he hovered above her. The thumb of his only good hand brushed over the bright red lovebite that had settled on the spot where her neck connected to her shoulder. Emma shivered, perhaps remembering how she'd sighed his name last night when he'd latched his teeth on her. "you might just find yourself in round four, darling," Killian whispered huskily and then ducked his head down quickly to capture her lips in a searing kiss that made Emma's toes curl and her back arch up.

 

"The problem with that is that I don't mind," Emma breathed, her lips still pursed up when he broke their kiss and started kissing along her jaw instead. "You're my husband now-"

 

"Aye, hence the rings, and the vows," he mumbled, stopping to nip at her earlobe. 

 

"So I demand lots and lots of lazy sex on Sundays."

 

"Quite bold, Swan, wouldn't you say?"

 

Emma shrugged, smile breaking upon her face. "I learned from the best."

 

"But the lad..."

 

"Henry is staying with Regina for the weekend, " Emma assured him and then snorted. "Besides, that's never stopped you before."

 

That was true. When her boy was home for the week days, they made sure to be quiet -the very opposite of the rough throws of passion they sometimes got into aboard the Jolly Roger in his captain's quarters or just last night when Emma allowed her moans to go free and Killian thrusted into her so deeply that the bed had creaked loudly on its hinges.

 

Most of the time -and Killian knew Emma knew he had a particular fondness for those times- he would make love to her sweet and slow, kissing her languidly and prolonging the moment before her walls squeezed tight around him by committing to memory every sigh, every small noise of approval she made when he flicked his tongue in her mouth a certain way. Emma would rarely admit it, but she was an open book and he didn't need her to confess with words how much that was secretly her favorite -the way she dragged her nails across his back, leaving pink half-crescent marks that served as pleasant reminders in the morning, and the way her hands ran slowly up his arms and their breath intermingled the way it did, and the caresses she bestowed upon his face in between one amorous kiss after the other, was enough for him to know.

 

Emma giggled when he wiggled his fingers up the side of her stomach. That was music to his ears, he decided. Killian gazed down at her lovingly, and she noticed when her laughter died down and fingers had stilled at her waist. "What?" she asked. He just shook his head and leaned down to place a soft kiss on her lips that she gladly accepted when her eyes fell closed.

 

"You're just beautiful is all, Swan."

 

When he tore his lips away gently, Emma was wearing a thoughtful smile and he raised an eyebrow at that. Her green eyes sparkled with mirth when they met his again, and his arm had snaked fully around her waist by then. Killian twisted his arm at the same time he fell back down next to her, turning her so they would both be lying on their sides, propped up on their elbows and facing each other.

 

"You know, right from the start, you were a thief," she said quietly.

 

"Now I do believe the correct term you were looking for was pirate, love," He nodded down at her, a smirk pulling at one side of his mouth when his fingers absentmindedly drew random shapes on her spine.

 

Emma pressed her lips tightly together to keep from smiling and shook her head. It didn't work. "You stole my heart," she continued, and her hand came up to cup his cheek, thumb brushing over the stubble, and eyes flicking about his face like she couldn't quite believe he was here with her. Sometimes she would do this and those perfect emeralds would turn glassy and one big, fat tear would escape in the silence, and Killian always made sure to kiss it away because the trauma hadn't quite yet passed and he was also guilty of holding on a little too tightly when she murmured about needing to get up for her shift at the station, just like she immediately sought after his warm body and beating heart the second they climbed into bed. "I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty, and with every touch you fixed them," she whispered.

 

"And I your willing victim, Swan. Don't forget how amazing you are, Emma," Killian reminded her. "No other woman could have loved a broken man as right as you do."

 

" _Love,_ Killian," Emma corrected firmly. "You're not dead, and you better not be anytime soon or I'll hate you for the rest of my life, and this time I really will split my heart and give it to you."

 

"You needn't worry, sweetheart," Killian chuckled softly and turned his head to press his lips into the tender skin of her palm. "They couldn't get me to leave your side if they tried. I have, after all, crossed realms, or have I not?"

 

"Show off," Emma mumbled and rolled her eyes, but then her head tilted to the side and those same eyes narrowed slightly. "When did you pick up the gardening?"

 

"After Camelot."

 

"Who would have guessed you had a green hook," Emma teased and then squealed in surprise when he wiggled his fingers up her side again. "Killian...stop...please, I can't....no," she protested in between giggles, and somewhere in the middle of that her hands managed to find his face even as she squirmed this way and that. She pulled him down to her and peppered his nose, his cheeks, his eyes, his eyebrows, and his forehead with little kisses, and when she pulled back to look at him, she wasn't the only one grinning widely. 

 

"Gods, Emma, I love you," he breathed in awe. Her chest slowed to its normal up and down, and her gaze softened at his words -it almost always did when he made his declarations like that. He closed his eyes and leaned down, intent on locking lips this time, and he felt their breath intermingle before their mouths met, and there was a sigh -his, hers, he didn't know-before Emma suddenly burst out:

 

"Killian, I want to have an Alexandra!" He pulled back instantly, confusion knitting his eyebrows.

 

"I beg your pardon?"

 

"Wait, no, obviously I don't want to take  _Ashley's_ Alexandra, that would be weird, but I, I meant, I mean, a family,  _to add to_ our family," Emma huffed, lips curling down at her stuttering. She shook her head and paused to take a deep breath. "Okay," she breathed, preparing herself. Killian waited, not moving, not even blinking as he stared down at her, anticipation in the air that had gotten caught in his throat and something like  _excitement_ causing sparks of electricity to come alive under his skin. "I want to have a baby," Emma finally said. "With you."

 

For a moment, Killian was just silent. And then a smile slowly spread across his face and Emma laughed nervously, the hint of relief in her beautiful siren's call that he wanted this too. "Well then we better get to it, Swan."

 

 

*********

 

"Emma?" Killian called up worriedly and glanced back at Henry with a raised eyebrow when no response came from upstairs.

 

He sighed when he remembered the back-to-school shopping Henry had insisted they do at some overly crowded place called  _Walmart_ and never in his bloody life would he return there. Terrible service that. Not to mention he'd caught two men hitting on his Swan near the movies sections, and  _maybe_ grabbing her by the waist and pulling her into a passionate kiss right then and there was a pirate's move, but well...the two blokes had completely ignored the ring on her finger. He was just clarifying.

 

  _Jealous,_ Emma whispered in his ear when they were walking back to the yellow bug, Henry's earbuds already back in and bobbing his head to whatever he was listening to, and her cheek resting on his shoulder as she swung their hands back and forth.

 

Perhaps he was. A Little.

 

Killian's eyes settled on the clock on the far wall of the kitchen and then he turned around and began going up the stairs. The lad wouldn't be home for another two hours, and one side of his mouth went down in half a frown at the deafening silence. His footsteps practically echoed like the sound of a loud drum the closer he got to the second floor, that's how eerily quiet it was. He'd grown used to Emma running to meet him at the door and the soft 'I missed you's meant for only his ears -if anything, he was spoiled by the quick peck on his lips and warm kisses on his cheek and tender cup of his face when he arrived and she smiled at him like he was  _home._

 

Could she be feeling unwell?

 

"Emma, love, are you alright?" When still no one answered, Killian headed straight for their bedroom and stopped short for just a moment when he saw the door ajar. He pushed it open the rest of the way with the curve of his hook, and when he took several hasty steps past the threshold he scanned the room. The navy comforter was no longer ruffled, and the single bright yellow pillow that Killian had once told Emma it reminded him of her and her light was neatly perched in the center of two regular sized white pillows -sometimes he wondered about their uses when Emma had a tendency to sleep on top of his chest on the colder nights, her face buried in the crook of his neck and fingers wrapped together even in dreams.

 

The books Belle had lent him from the library were untouched on the nightstand.  _Oliver Twist_ at the very top of the tower containing the bookmark peeking out at page 452. The two upper drawers that belonged to Emma were (as always) left half open in her forgetfulness, and her gray boots lay tossed near his treasure chest and everything seemed...normal.

 

Except for the sniffles coming from the bathroom.

 

"Emma!" Concern rose with his voice and his eyes widened in panic in the two long strides it took him to reach the knob. His mind fabricated the worst in those two seconds it took to twist the knob and throw open the door -a sword piercing her stomach, a deep gash in her palm, a pool of blood at her feet- and he practically stumbled in and then straightened up and sighed in relief when he saw that she was sitting atop the lid of the toilet, no cuts, no deep wound he couldn't fix, just smooth skin that he immediately ran his good hand up and down her arm when he dropped down to his knees in front of her.

 

"Hey," Killian said softly, gently taking her chin between his thumb and forefinger so that he could bring her sad gaze down to meet his. "Whatever's the matter, my love?"

 

Emma shook her head and brought her fist up to rub her eye- her red rimmed eyes, Killian observed with a worried frown. She sniffled some more and inhaled a shaky breath. The tip of her nose was colored a light crimson and there were wet paths down her cheeks were Killian knew tears had repeatedly slid. She was still refusing to meet his eyes and glanced at the to-go bag from Granny's he'd left on the floor instead.

 

"I missed lunch, didn't I?"

 

Killian nodded. "I called, but you didn't answer, Swan."

 

Emma sighed. "I'm sorry, I...I just thought..." Her voice trailed off and her bottom lip quivered. Her shoulders sagged and her hair fell forward when her eyes closed and she dropped her forehead onto his shoulder, arms wrapping around his neck. She turned her face and a few tears slipped down the side of his neck and into the collar of his zipped up jacket. "I don't know. I just didn't want to be disappointed again," she mumbled quietly. 

 

Killian's eyes flicked to the white stick in her hand and the little blank screen she'd been forced to see four times already. She'd shrugged it off the first time, the third time she'd shoved the stick all the way down the trash, her movements angry but her eyes betraying how scared she was. And now she just cried, and Killian listened with a pained expression that he buried in her silky waves.

 

"I know, love, I know," he whispered a bit faintly as he continued to rub her back, tears beginning to threat his own eyes because it always hurt when she cried like this. Or when she cried at all.

 

Eventually, after a few minutes, Emma pulled back and smiled weakly. She leaned down and he pressed his lips to her forehead in assurance, in comfort, in  _You're not alone anymore._ "Is there grilled cheese in that bag?"

 

"And onion rings," he promised.

 

David ended up taking the rest of his shift, and they didn't even bother moving to the kitchen to eat. He just sat with his back against the bathtub and Emma just crawled tiredly into his open arms -crying always wearing her out that way- and sat in between his legs. They took bites of onion rings and he kissed her with greasy lips until she smiled again.

 

*********

 

A bitter chill is what caused his body to stiffen, muscles twitching at the sudden invasion of a harsh wind. Instinctively his bare stump of flesh moved down to rest around her shoulder blades, and his hand searched for the small waist to wrap his arm around, but his wandering fingers were met with only his stomach.

 

His eyebrows knitted in confusion even before his eyes slowly opened to the almost pitch black of their room. His legs brushed up against each other but felt no familiar ankle to loop around in, and there was no arm for his warm palm to glide up and down, and no cheek lying on his chest as he always woke up to. The continuous lack of weight on top of him finally registered after two minutes, and Killian turned his head to the window squinting.

 

"Swan?" he said rather roughly, voice thick with sleep. His vision was still slightly blurry, but he would be able to recognize that silhouette anywhere. He blinked, and she was still sitting there on the floor, cross-legged, and the white baby blanket that had her name etched in elegant purple held loosely around her shoulders. She stared down at the street outside, lamp-posts turned off and covering all their block in utter darkness. "Emma?" Killian asked again, and he pushed himself to sit up with the heel of his palm, his eyes widened just a bit more.

 

"Hey," Emma glanced back quickly, and he knew his wife well enough to  _know_ she was biting her lip. "Didn't mean to wake you," she tried to say rather casually, but there was a small waver of her voice at the end that betrayed her. She sighed. "Just another bad dream," she informed him quietly, and he almost sighed too. They'd been coming more frequently, what with Henry's departure to Columbia in New York just two weeks ago. And she still refused to talk about it, opting to shrug off her mother's questions when she asked about the dark circles under her eyes. 

 

Killian pressed his palm into the mattress, and the corners of his mouth went down in a frown. His eyes flitted up again, seeing the small open crack of the window that was whooshing cold air in directly to where she sat, not even a few feet away. He briefly remembered the tank top and thin pijama pants. She must be freezing.

 

"Come back to bed, sweetheart."

 

Emma twisted her waist to look at him. "You've been talking in your sleep, you know. Things you never say to me," she accused softly, hurt shining in those beautiful emeralds he was lucky enough to gaze forever into. "Or  _haven't_ said, at least."

 

Killian's jaw clenched. Not in anger towards her, but his subconscious. He figured that at least in sleep the reality of running his own father through and destroying Liam's family with Nemo for countless years was safe. Looks like he was wrong. Some guilt remained. Perhaps it always would. He just didn't want that to affect his hope for a child's sweet laughter echoing the walls. He just didn't want to let fear get in the way of something Emma clearly wanted -something he  _also_ clearly wanted too.

 

"I'm not mad at you," she assured him softly, and Killian's gaze met her sad one. She gave him a small smile and raised and dropped one shoulder in a shrug. "I'm doing the same thing."

 

"No," Killian shook his head and threw the covers to the side, sliding out of bed and coming to meet her on the other side. Emma watched as he sat back on his feet and then took her cold hand in his much warmer one, fingers easily sliding in together. "I want you to be honest, love. I don't want there to be empty sheets between our love, Swan. We said no more secrets."

 

Emma's hand wrapped around the back of his neck as she looked up at him, and she pushed up on her knees to give his lips a light kiss. "I know, babe," she said when she pulled back, keeping her fingers curled around his neck. "I'm just scared," she admitted in a whisper, and Killian leaned down to press his forehead to hers.

 

"As am I, darling."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Yeah."

 

They were both scared before it even began, but maybe that was a good thing. He himself was a person who felt too much and cared too deeply, but it never was the worst thing with Emma. In fact, it was the best thing.

 

"Killian..."

 

"Aye, love?"

 

"Can we go make some coffee, I'm seriously cold."

 

"I was just about to suggest," he laughed and nodded.

 

Emma allowed him to lead the way down to the kitchen, pulling the blanket tighter around her shoulders and only letting go of his hand when he went to search the wooden cabinets for her favorite mug. 

 

*********

 

"You're pouring a drink," Emma noted when she finally arrived home thirty minutes past her shift, and he already knew from the slamming of the door and house keys thrown a little too hard on the table that she was still angry.

 

It faintly reminded him of their first big fight when he'd only just started courting her, back in the days of the Snow Queen. Their arguing had escalated to shouting and she'd stormed out without saying goodbye the same way she'd stormed out then. Frankly, the tension between them had been building up for days and her bad mood had finally exploded this morning, over something minor like why he'd forgotten to buy poptarts this week. He'd briefly seen tears form in her eyes and was about to step forward and cup her cheek and just apologize even though he felt it was rather unfair, when she just pushed past him and left without having breakfast.

 

"Aye," Killian replied quietly, but he didn't raise the glass of rum to his mouth. He glanced behind his shoulder and saw Emma shrugging off her jacket, an irritated expression on her face. She tore the plastic rubber band holding her hair up in its ponytail with a huff and he stood up from his chair at the same time her boots began walking toward the stairs, still intent on not speaking to him.

 

"You should have gone to sleep, Killian, why did you wait up," Emma muttered, mostly to herself than to him.

 

"Because I love you," Killian stated firmly, and she froze at the foot of the stairs, her hand stilling on the railing. He saw the tension that was holding her shoulders tightly up lessen down a bit when the words cut through the silence. 

 

Emma turned around slowly, her arms quickly crossed at her chest and her eyes stubbornly avoiding his pleading gaze. His feet moved toward her out of instinct when she started walking toward him, and he met her halfway. Her crossed arms had slid down to her stomach, hugging herself when she came to a stop in front of him. Killian sighed as he stared down at her. Truth was he wanted nothing more than to hug his Swan.

 

His hook fell lightly on her waist and his heavily ring-fingered hand hesitantly went for one of her hands, seeking to wrap their fingers together in a small sigh of  _I don't want to fight._ Emma nodded and finally brought her watery eyes up to meet his, but then she quickly glanced back down again and inhaled a deep breath, as if gathering her strength once more. She still didn't say anything. 

 

"Just give me a reason, love," Killian whispered quietly. "What has really been upsetting you? Talk to me, Emma."

 

"It's not you, I swear, and I'm sorry about this morning, it's just..." Emma sniffed and shook her head, closing her eyes and pressing her lips tightly together.

 

"I'm sorry, Swan, I don't understand where all of this is coming from but..." He had an idea. And it was closely related to his same fear -the one that had stayed present in the shadows all through the long months of random snow falls and valentine's day and the shift in the air to a light breeze and newly sprouted flowers in the small garden he'd created in the backyard. "You're holding it in," Killian sighed and gently disentangled their fingers to catch a soft lock of golden hair between his thumb and forefinger. Her eyes snapped open and he smiled weakly before tucking it back behind her ear, and then cupping her cheek with his palm. "You've been having real bad dreams, I know. You used to lie so close to me, and your head is running wild again, I can see it."

 

Emma sighed and brought one hand up, fingers curling around his wrist and holding his palm to her slightly wet cheek, accepting his touch. "I've just been so tired lately, and it feels like when Gideon was trying to kill me, all these emotions just kind of hitting me out of nowhere and me wanting to break down whenever my parents weren't looking.  _Or_   _you,_ " she admitted quietly and there was the quivering bottom lip it hurt him to see. Her eyes were so clouded with disappointment and sadness and swiftly gathering tears he doubted he wasn't swimming in her gaze when she looked up at him. "What if...what if I don't get a second chance?"

 

And there it was. The fear that they'd both refused to speak out loud for the better part of two years. What if he didn't get a  _first_ chance? What if he couldn't  _be_ a father, what if he wasn't suited for it? What if he couldn't fulfill her wish? What if he could never take away the heaviness from his beautiful Swan's eyes?

 

In that moment that's all he wanted, more fiercely than anything else to take the hurt away from his love. 

 

A tear slipped down Emma's cheek and his thumb immediately brushed over the moisture, catching it almost as fast as it fell.

 

"My dear, we still have everything," he said so earnestly Emma's gaze softened, and the hands that had been fisting around the lapels of his jacket now slowly opened to smooth upwards to grip his shoulders. "With or without a child, our love's enough for me.  _You_ are enough for me, more than I bloody deserve."

 

"Killian..."

 

"No, no, love, it's true," he insisted and leaned down to rest his forehead on hers. Emma's eyes closed and another tear slipped down. He wiped it away again. "You're still written on the scars of my heart, and you always will be, Swan, in every best way."

 

Emma laughed a watery laugh and shook her head. "Honestly, what would I do without you?" she asked.

 

"Let's not ever find out again."

 

"Promise?"

 

"Promise."

 

*********

 

Killian almost thought he'd heard Dr. Whale incorrectly.

 

"What?"

 

But one look at Emma's widened eyes and mouth open in a surprised 'O' was all it took for his own heart to flutter nervously and excitedly at all once, and he didn't care that they had an audience when he practically sprinted across the room and grabbed Emma by the waist and she pulled him into an amorous kiss right then and there. It was all smiles against mouths and a  _giggle_ when he spun her around, and God how he  _loved_ that giggle.

 

He suddenly understood the knowing look Mary Margaret had shot his way when Emma kept stealing fries from his plate at dinner at Granny's and then ordered a second grilled cheese because she'd claimed she was  _starving._ The fatigue and her feeling sensitive made sense, Whale had said. And Killian's worry that his Swan could be ill in a way he couldn't fix suddenly disappeared.

 

Killian definitely swooped her up in his arms bridal style and carried her past the threshold and all the way up the stairs and to deposit her gently on their bed when they got home sometime around noon, and he would forever remember that little squeal of happiness and  _he couldn't believe it._

 

"I'm pregnant," Emma breathed in awe some two hours later when they'd stripped each other bare, all impatience to demonstrate the other how much they loved and wanted and  _needed_ , fading to sweet and slow almost instantly. It was all roaming hands, and loving caresses, and soft touches, and languid kissing, and Killian had never felt  _happier_ to memorize every one of her moans and whines and sighs.

 

"I'm to be a father," Killian said in wonder. And when Emma smiled and nodded, and both their hands wrapped together, and her hair fanned out against the pillow, and both their eyes squeezed shut as he chased after her pleasure, and her glistening walls welcomed him deeper and deeper, he knew this was real. So many  _I love you'_ s whispered in ears, and it couldn't be a dream. It wasn't a dream.

 

Killian made love to her two more times that night, not once forgetting to place little kisses on the flat belly that would soon swell, and softly brush his fingertips against the belly button that would soon poke out.

 

He never told Emma, but he secretly hoped for a girl.

 

**Author's Note:**

> -Thanks for reading, hope you like it!
> 
> -Thoughts?


End file.
